Somewhere between taking off and being airborne
I'm in this "in between" phase in pretty much all aspects of life right now. i cannot cry it seems with any substantial and meaningful tears that really release the negativity from my body. in so many ways, i feel like i JUST moved to Paris. i feel like I'm somewhere between vacation and life, snow and sun, happiness and sadness.
its the middle of it all
Par example - I want to buy a loaf of bread dammit! YES baguettes are nice but its like committing murder if you even consider spreading peanut butter on them. And going to the register with a loaf of bread in your basket means you are NOT INTEGRATING into the Parisian life. In fact, I think that's actually written on your receipt!!
total: 34.50 euros
Vous n'avez pas integrated a Paris!
So where do I stand? well thats a good question, thanks for asking. I'd like to think this is like part 42 of the transition to another country but its not really written in the guidebook that way. and currently i have some thoughts which, while they may seem negative, i cannot control them. Like I REFUSE to go to these expat meet ups. Yeah yeah, so theres like 12 million American expats in Paris, so what! I simply don't want to meet them now. I just don't. i cant explain it. I also don't want to find a frenchie to practice my French with but that has a reasonable explanation that I'm just not ready.
in some ways, my social tendencies which, I believe, were quite high in NYC, have near completely disappeared here in France. but i feel them on the rise. isn't it weird how we can actually FEEL "feelings" rising up inside of us before they surface. i swear as soon as i get my shit together, i WILL venture out into this town of expats and mingle.
but all this reflective thinking really add's up and my friend Eve sort of has this process on how she lives which i appreciate. I like the idea of "letting stuff go". I think the main issue is that shit happens all the time. we cannot control it so why should it bother us. I think it took a long time for me, but I have finally learned not to sweat anything that hard. Its just life and it happens.
And strangely while I steer clear of any religious thought, lately I have thought a lot about where I came from and how I got here and where the hell I'm going after. I am certain I will vanish. I don't get nor believe in reincarnation. (my grandmother was a big believer, but so far she never came back to me as a bird. She loved birds so much that i swore she would reincarnate to one. She could even do almost every bird call whistle exactly.) So I just started thinking, well more "extra long-term", and thinking that I really don't have that much time here on earth or whatever, so WHY NOT just have fun. I mean in 20 years, if I'm not a doctor or famous musician, does it really matter? I would rather die knowing I took a piece of each day and made it my best.
Theres other stuff like doing the thing I fear most. Putting myself out there, opening my mind to enjoying people and new things....its all relevant. It takes work (effort) though. everything is work. EVERYTHING.
so its 9pm in Paris now. I am relaxed which is quite cool as lately all I really feel is fatigue. Real honest-to-goodness fatigue. Nothing I can say I have ever felt before. But I suppose when you have a real job, this kind of feeling can be quite normal.
but should it be?
what is more important to people of the world?
i want to know.
im too tired to even continue this.
i will leave with one incomplete thought...
there is absolutely no reason our colons should misbehave the way they do.
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Thursday, April 10, 2008
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11:38 AM
