nous sommes tous hors de NORMAL

Admittedly I only let the fact that I now live in Europe enter my mind gradually. Most of time I think I pretend I'm still in NYC. It only really hits me at certain times and usually just briefly (from a few minutes to an hour) that its a reality like today when I first thought I had a toothache but wasn't ready to face that fact knowing full well that going to a dentist would be like fixing the carburetor on any machine that had one. It would require books and learning and hours upon hours of research. But then after those thoughts cross through me, I think more simply and wonder who I could ask to help me. That’s a big struggle here. Asking for help versus learning on your own. I only feel slightly guilty when I ask for help because I have paid careful attention in these last few years to my core limitations.

I feel like I know when I have reached a maximum in terms of struggle and hardship and I try to refuse myself to step over that limit. If I feel like I'm getting stressed or upset, I can now (mostly) have a mini conference in my mind (usually in the moment of crisis) and decide whether it’s controllable or not controllable. If not, then I let myself relax and I think even my body language will reveal the decision I've made.

So now I have this ache in my entire lower jaw. It’s really weird and I'm wondering if it’s related to something I ate or the water or whatever? I JUST went to the dentist for a full check up less than a month ago and left with a clean bill. So what is this pain? It’s almost like my gums are swollen and it hurts to talk sometimes. So I begin thinking that in the states, we call our dentist and make an appointment, insurance (if we have it) takes care of the rest. As I reach for the phone (in my mind) I realize I am here. And then reality strikes.

My mom asked me today how work was going. My immediate thought was to think why is she asking me that? Its work, work is work, but then again, I'm reminded that she never really asked about work before, she must be asking about Paris work. New job work, new life work. That has to be it. So then I am again, reminded that I'm not in America.

I also begin to wonder how I can move to Paris, live in a hotel room, read a French train schedule, find a French bus and work in a mostly French office and yet still leave little room in my mind that I'm actually in France. It’s strange how other people remind me of this fact that is plain as day.

I wondered if my friend who recently visited was happy to be home again. Back in NYC. If she felt like her life was there and why she felt that way? And how she didn’t seem that bothered that her most potential mate was in London with no job and a firm hand to never live in the US again.

I wonder if we ever truly know where we will end up or how we will get there. The cute German at work said he wasn't sure if moving to France was the "best" decision for him because all/most of his friends were back home (somewhere in Germany) and I didn't have time to respond to that but I have been thinking about that statement a lot.

I moved to New York BECAUSE all my friends were there. I moved to Paris with little to no friends. I can’t make heads or tails of these reasons but they were different times in my life. I was about 22 when I moved to NYC and needed friends all around me. Needed heaps of inspiration and commotion and chaos that North Carolina could not offer me. I wasn't ready to take charge of my life and needed a certain support group to guide/help me. These friends accomplished this very task I secretly assigned them. And the inner growth sparked and flourished. I still need them but now it’s in different ways.

I guess I have "grown" a level of confidence that allows me to make giant decisions and move to a new country alone. I have no strings, no weights, nothing to stop me and I love this about my life. I know now that no matter where I go, my friends back in NYC are gold. And I could feel this most when I was leaving and every one of them reached out to me with support and genuine concern that my transition here would be with ease.

Posted in: on Saturday, January 5, 2008 at at 2:39 PM