nous sommes tous hors de NORMAL

I tried to write on the bus home a bit using a pen and paper but its just not happening. My hand no longer can use a pen in any letter/note writing way. It takes ALL my effort to write. Its crazy. I grew up writing, I used to write a lot, I wrote at LEAST 100 letters to my friend Jody in college. and now I cannot write one single sentence.

I have decided I like French bananas.
It’s raining in France for a change.
I wrote another poem about the stuff that’s fills my mind but its not coming out of my mind in any way that anyone could understand
I also realize that we are supposed to understand poems but abstractly I would think
No one really literalizes a poem
But even abstractly my poem has issues

I need to save money
My rent is too high
I don’t think cooking at home saves more money than eating out
The food here is very expensive
The food I trust to go in my stomach.
Sure I could by a cow tongue for 1 Euro and eat for a week
But raise your hand if you eat tongue?
Now look around....clearly you can see that no one is:
a. There
b. Raising their hands
c. You are completely alone
d. You are getting sleepy
e. really really sleepy
f. All your dairy products are passed the expiration date

Please immediately go and throw them out. Its disgusting that you keep these products even a SECOND past their date.

Really it is!!!

I have no power over my life. I cannot even control my future. It sucks. I can’t answer any questions related to my future. I don’t know anything. Where I will move to next? If I will ever have a family? If I think I need to be married? If I will ever buy a stove? When I will pee next? If I will run out of wine tonight? If there will be a dairy cow in my apartment when I get home?

I feel like I deserve to have good stuff happen to me. I feel worthy of getting good stuff. But of course you are asking what is my definition of "good stuff". Yes, well take for example the family in little miss sunshine....remember how little "stuff" they actually had...I mean like material things. They lived basically like American lower middle class (not even middle class or upper middle cause I think that’s too generous) they had 2 old beat up cars, they ate KFC, they dressed modestly, their house was small and easily built in the 70's with little to no renovations. I mean whatever; well the point is what I liked so much about the movie was the family dynamic. They really worked together, they had major individual differences but in the end that didn’t even matter, with some effort they took each others dreams/fantasies/wishes seriously (ex. the fathers 15-whatever step program, Olives beautification system) I mean you saw clearly how the family both hated but still supported these dreams....no matter how ridiculous.

I never had that growing up. I don’t remember a situation like that. Its true I loved my childhood for sure but I didn’t have the closeness that I see in the family in LMS, and just too prove im not living in some Hollywood fantasy, for sure I have SEEN this dynamic when I lived at my friend Jody's house, in high school at my friend Susan’s in Atlanta where I spent several weeks at a time, even with my friend Kerri and her crazy but still somewhat jointed family. There are connections and fusions and frustrations that people take seriously. Just the other day I spoke to my mom who said I wouldn’t last in Paris. That I should wait to see if I'm there more than a year. She is convinced I wont last here. And its true maybe I never grew up having the dream of "moving to Paris" but its where I am now and I'd honestly rather she tell me she doesn’t like that I moved here instead of buttering over how she really feels. Sometimes my parents come out and say something that kinda tells me their opinion but mostly I'm left wondering where it came from. There’s little openness and honesty.

On a separate note I remain too sensitive still to my French speaking. I think im doing ok then I mis hear or say one single word of French to a French speaker who is not my teacher and BOOM I feel like a complete failure. too hard on myself and too sensitive.

Posted in: on Tuesday, April 29, 2008 at at 11:06 AM