nous sommes tous hors de NORMAL

ive got nothing left in me. so this blog has come to an end. thank you faithful readers. much love

Posted in: on Monday, July 28, 2008 at at 12:44 PM 1 comments

Ok last night marked my maybe 12th giant spider dream in the past year. I see the spiders in this mid-deep dreaming sleep state. I'm alarmed as the spider is so close to me that I am woken up. but in this arousal of regaining conciousness, I open my eyes and still see this spider. Thus I am so scared by its proximity that I LITERALLY leap from the bed and rush to turn on all the lights. So last night, after just maybe two hours of falling asleep I was up and searching through my bed for this beast!

I have done all the dream dictionary hoopla and its mostly contradictory and stupid

from http://www.experiencefestival.com/: To dream of a spider, denotes that you will be careful and energetic in your labors, and fortune will be amassed to pleasing proportions.

from http://www.dreamdoctor.com/: Spiders frequently symbolize “creepy people” who would like to “trap us in their webs.” Is someone “bugging” you?

from http://www.soulfuture.com/: A spider may symbolize the number 8

http://www.dreamingminds.8m.com/: Spiders-Signify good luck.

and it goes on and on. Good luck, bad luck, creeps, 8 (8 what? 8 macaroni noodles that fall from my strainer in the sink), fortune, wishes coming true. I'm just sayin maybe all that is true but it doesnt stop them coming back to me in my dreams and freaking me out!

Especially when alone.

So if anyone has any ideas on why these spiders are so interested in my sleep then please indulge me. I'm so flippin sick of them honestly. Its time for them to leave. Or at least for my good fortune to arrive. :)

Posted in: on Friday, July 11, 2008 at at 1:29 AM 0 comments

will you
walk along the beach with me
far enough in the water that your clothes get wet
and not care at all
will you
lead me up an unknown path
get a secret thrill that you don't know where it goes
then veer off to another one
hold my hand tightly in excitement
will you
lay in bed with me at nite and read to me from whatever book you are reading
will you
force me to do things your way when you absolutely need to
will you
tell me anything you want and not be afraid
will you
let me think that i have superpowers
where are you
who are you
will you
need me as much as i need you

Posted in: on Thursday, July 10, 2008 at at 2:56 PM 0 comments

I GREW UP on the ocean. So what I cannot figure out is how I mistook seagulls for chickens last night while wandering through the streets of Porto. They talk differently here. There was no alcohol involved. I think I just imagined that live poultry would rule this town and chickens would hide in little streets with little guns like mafia chickens. THIS TOWN is a chicken hiding town.

The city is near perfect. and from the looks of it, the terrain here INCLUDES a town. But not the reverse. The mountains and the river simply refused to conform for the people so the people just made do with what they had. There are bridges nearly traversing through apartments and churches which wrap around the side of the mountain squeezing through little streets and right by living room windows. I have NO idea how they managed to build an underground metro station (and I'd be afraid to go in it). The portugese I've met tell me this area and most of Portugal suffers from earthquakes. Not exactly my favorite natural disaster. In fact, its at the bottom of the natural disaster favorites list. The VERY bottom. So I'll be damned if I step foot into that metro. Even cross the bridge by foot (which I did twice last night) I find less death defying. Cause I can swim but maybe not with 10 tons of iron falling on me.

where was i? oh. Well my coworker mentioned that in most of the little european towns he went to which had a seaside (or riverside) that the bars RIGHT on the seaside would be too touristy so for a touch of authenticity, he took us back a few streets off the main one in search of a "local" bar. We found at least three local bars but didnt dare enter as they were clearly too local. They seemed more like someones backyard and the family was outside playing and hanging out. We felt like we would crash a family outing or something. So we kept walking. Ultimately we ended up right back on that main drag at a bar called "Sandeman" for some porto. I recognized the label and the name immediately. Truth is, I liked the Porto from the hotel bar much better. We were all still anxious to see the town and so we walked. We walked and I took enough pictures to drain my battery down to one bar. I hope I have enough for the ocean which we will hopefully see on thursday.



At this one moment when we had reached a high point in the town (the place of the first photo) we all stopped and looked back at the river. No one said a word which I missed so much. Last week my cousin from the states remarked about this woman and her daughter, clearly tourists, on the Paris metro with her and neither of them spoke a word for about 7 metro stops. She couldnt believe that they had nothing to say to eachother for that long. I couldnt help but laugh and think it was because silence must make my cousin extremely uncomfortable. It made perfect sense to me that one could be in a foreign country and at times just need to not speak and simply listen or even drift off into your own thoughts. I think thats why they were nervous each time I was silent and always wondered what was wrong with me. But I felt again this comfort in silence when me and the french coworkers just stood there without words and enjoyed the view.

On a side note, there were about 20 minutes last week when my chatty cousin was reading a magazine and like a good junkie I was having withdrawl from her ramblings and asked her to immediately put down the magazine and commence with chatter! She was happy to feed my fix...

Once we reached the town center it was nearly midnight and the city had shut down. It was so quiet except for the chickens so we headed back.

Posted in: on Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at at 2:51 AM 0 comments

what'd ya think this is fun for me? all this sitting around Not blogging. you think i ENJOY all these thoughts piling up with no where to go. well its not fun and its especially not fun when your own two cousins point it out to me last night after dinner.

we went for argentinian steak. just steps from my apartment but we stepped right into food that should be served on death row. its seriously beyond good. but im seriously beyond stuffed. these cousins have been feeding me nonstop since they arrived.

they are quite loud actually, i dont want to say its cause their american but i think it is. so naturally the entire restaurant (and everyone walking by) heard our conversation which went from one cousins new bathing suit to me questioning why my other cousin is always so in need of guidance in every aspect of her life (even getting dressed). i dont think she trusts herself. but so this german fashion photographer comes up to us and starts talking to my cousin and i was listening and enjoying the conversation but i was also drifting into my own thoughts and believe me, my cousin needs NO support when it comes to conversation taking giving, the whole deal so there were times when i faced my plate and just listened. And drifted to my own thoughts and listened and there were even times when i spoke to him about how much i like photography but later

when we got home, BOTH my cousins nearly attacked me with sorries cause they "thought" by the look on my face and perhaps even my body language that i was MISERABLE while that guy came over to talk and they thought i was then even MAD at them. And i had NO CLUE
a. that they thought this
b. that they noticed me
c. that i looked so upset
d. that they thought i was MAD!

it was shocking on so many levels to even hear them say this to me. cause even though i WAS in my own thoughts at times, i was NEVER upset or mad. but apparently my face is completely disconnected from my thoughts. or maybe its not.
i dont get it. i cannot hide anything. there is no superficial me.
i dont even know HOW to be superficial. maybe i do, and maybe this is why i dislike sales people so much.

but i dont hate sales people as much as i hate recyclers. and not just ANY recyclers, i mean the ones who recycle in my courtyard and play this game of who can smash the hell out of the wine bottles before putting them in the recycling bin. Who can then dump the can out onto the ground just to prove that all the glass was smashed into bits, then who can sweep up the glass and throw it back in the can as loudly as possible. i have tried to explain to my cousins the many layers of hate that i have for these people and how i feel that i will never be able to truly enjoy recycling again as long as i live due to the bastard recyclers of my paris courtyard.


ah yes. so in conclusion. please dont read my face cause its probably wrong but i will give you my honest stream of thoughts if you ask me and if you dont want to talk then i'll just give you some xray vision and you can watch all the thoughts mingle in my brain and see which ones slide down to my heart. maybe they are even sliding for you.

Posted in: on Sunday, July 6, 2008 at at 3:46 AM 1 comments

i mean what i say
and i most certainly
say what i mean

Posted in: on Saturday, June 28, 2008 at at 3:34 PM 0 comments

Well all the most important people called.
Thankfully none of them knew i was naked all day
i just didnt feel like wearing clothes.
i did wear a skirt and top to the grocery to buy detergent
but france makes you sweat and i was sick of sweating
so i closed the curtains, secured the bedroom windows
and wore my birthday suit which is only fitting since today is
my birthday
my mom told me she met and fell in love with my step dad when she was my age now
she said i shouldn't feel alone
that things have a way of working out

Posted in: on at at 6:37 AM 0 comments

i was hoping to have something good to say but all I feel is emptyness.
the things i miss:
ice coffee
my coworkers
love
turkey burgers
my path
the use of my left knee
a good nites sleep
smiling like i mean it
the ocean

Posted in: on at at 12:27 AM 0 comments

There is this one element to life which I feel my parents left out of their "teachings" which is that life just doesnt work out the way you want. Things you wish to happen, people reacting the way you want, words spoken just as you want them to be spoken, it just isnt the way life really works. I have to remind myself of this. today mostly, i had to remind myself of this. I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of this.

I feel like im living in a dream world. im wishing certain words to be spoken and i have to remind myself daily that life isn't this way. the things i want and need are just not happening. i want so badly to live in this dream but its not right.
im just wondering when life will work out the way i want it. when will i "get right"

life can be so tiring. so heartbreaking but its life. its not about what wine you choose, its about whether you jump in the seine or you are pushed in the seine. god dammit. life is so real sometimes.

Posted in: on Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at at 1:57 PM 2 comments

im pretty sure the pre-dinner festivities tonight was the pigeon sex that just occurred on my balcony. two pigeons landed, first they made out a bit, seemed like they were pecking hard like they were fighting but who am i to tell a pigeon how to kiss. then one jumped on the other, moved down a bit to "position" his/her self i suppose and then there was all kinds of rapid wing flapping and then the top one stretched up real tall, then they flew away. they didnt even care that i was watching. then they flew back and tried again. the 2nd time they were not successful.

and now that they are gone, its dinner time.
nothing tastes good anymore
not even sweets.
i have this vague memory of real food.
which im sure is sold at groceries
i can always begin to make a list
but as soon as im finished with milk and bread my mind wanders into all the recipes of food that i want to make and then hours have passed by and nothing was accomplished.
not even the bread or the milk.
in the states, i loved grocery stores. i would wander for hours up and down the aisles. i loved the aisle with all the laundry detergent. all these colors lined up in a row. each one filled with clean and pretty. i like boxes of clean and pretty.
maybe the monoprix isnt so bad. but the lines of people just kill me. i like to look at what other people get. i imagine their dinners, their lives at home. i try to figure out their dinner from the things they buy. but the french cuisine takes a much bigger imagination for me to conjure up the dinners of strangers. in fact, all it does is make me upset.

i know why it upsets me but i just dont feel like explaining.

Posted in: on Sunday, June 22, 2008 at at 10:02 AM 0 comments

ME: excuse me sir, do you know where the closest comic strip is?
Sir: yes, across the street next to that gorilla thats being pulled on his back by the four mockingbirds.
ME: is this the same gorilla that was seen being pulled from the back of Arby's last week?
Sir: no, thats a different gorilla, this is the one who insisted on a triple double venti at a starbucks in italy and was immediately deported.
ME: do they really have starbucks in italy?
Sir: no wait, theres a better comic strip in that building over there with the my shirona sign on the front.
ME: yeah but theres no gorilla over there.
Sir: just try it, its funny.
ME: i'll try it but theres no gorillas
Sir: good for you honey
ME: oh look, theres a honey bee, bye

Posted in: on at at 3:54 AM 0 comments

in america that i can even imagine would allow people to play music anywhere and all day and nite. where people can roam the streets with bottles of wine, beer, and all things alcohol just wandering around from street to street listening to music. the parisian artisans truely figured out how to create pockets of sound so that each musician can be enjoyed without musical overflow from the previous (or next) artist.

this, my friends is Paris's Fete de la Musique

where music is everywhere and anywhere and live or recorded or acoustic or acapella and all of everyone is out to enjoy every bit of it.

even me! and i cracked a smile while watching the frenchies attempt the macarena. the singer was hilarious. he had no idea what the words were so he just made sounds. there was a chorus and some french singer who had a HUGE following, there were dj's playing out of their apartment windows in the marais. There were little girls with their guitars, ladies from the 80's
everybody was movin
we sat by the seine with our wine and crackers and talked with the iranians who were struggling artists kicked out of their country. they spoke of their photography, which had to be approved by the government before it could be shown. they denied a picture of a women in her wedding dress riding the city bus. just last year a woman was allowed to sing in public but only with two men.

if you can cover up, toss away your alcohol and get over the stumps, apparently the country is worth the trip. i was told of large homes and verandas and countryside which bring a sparkle to your eye and make you forget where you are from.

we talked camera's and cobblestones and calculated cravings
we talked new and old
i was away from my home
i could feel some strength
i forgot about my heart for a while
thanks to the music

my head needs rest now
goodnite to you

Posted in: on Saturday, June 21, 2008 at at 4:45 PM 1 comments

http://www.atomfilms.com:80/film/rabbit.jsp

Posted in: on Friday, June 20, 2008 at at 11:29 AM 1 comments

current song: creep

i often wonder what would happen to my life if i never came home. if i got off at one of these train stops outside of paris and before reaching my house. i wonder if i could just walk into some other office where i fit in and start over.

i watered the plants tonight and i dont give a god damn if they get mad below at the japanese restaurant. I hope it falls in their food. today i hated the air conditioner man. he told my boss it was fixed earlier this week in email, it woudlnt even turn on. i had this sick feeling that he was home on his barca lounger sipping champagne in his well cooled living room laughing hysterically at the cruel trick he played on us. leading us to believe there would be cool in our office and lying like a big ugly dog with scattered patches of hair and bad breath. i hope his bread is stale for the rest of his life.

i imagine the email went like this:

dear
case 45X332k closed.
-air conditioner office

we both smiled so big when she got that email. we shared this moment and it was nice.

and now i wish this bastard was dead.

and now i must prepare for the end of the storm. i think the clouds are finally moving away.

Posted in: on at at 10:59 AM 0 comments

I want so badly to be able to explain the most important things to you. i want you to know i agree with you. you see so far through me. yes its true that love is here on this earth and sorry is not. Sorry is for outer space. Sorry cant reach me. it cannot find a place in me. i want to remain in love. that is as honest as i can be. its a damn shame sometimes to live here so far away from the people i need the most. i wont believe that im this sad. here come the questions

why is everything so confusing all the time?
why do these people hate me so much?
why can't i make my own dinner?
why is all the milk expired?
why are my thoughts so hard to hold on to?
where is this one?
dont make me promises you cannot keep. dont lay in my bed if you cannot see me.
you will stand up, and march toward a feeling you are afraid of having
and i will explain nothing. this is what it is.
thats it.

Posted in: on at at 6:43 AM 0 comments

there were two main thoughts during my flight to Rome. yes, Italy (talk about rerouting)

there’s only one place I love more than the ocean and that is above the clouds. I like the idea of being above the weather. and its not like I need to be in space, just right above the clouds is high enough for me. right within the first atmosphere is perfect. but I love to have the sun for a bit more time than usual. I love the endless horizon (hmmm, just like on the ocean) and seeing as far as I can see. and as we flew into Rome I was thinking about Tokyo---a place I have never been. but I wonder if the people who live in those giant skyscrapers get to wake up each morning also above the clouds and therefore feel this rush of life each and every day. I wonder if they are forced to check the weather on TV and see if its actually raining cause they are living so high up.

that was, well one thought.

a more minor thought was that flying on air Italia is like going over to your friend’s house and hanging out in their living room. and I love how they cart down the aisle saying simply "salt or sweet" and you just pick. you have no idea what they will give you other than its flavor. turns out my flight attendant didn’t hear me or didn’t understand the word sweet because he gave me a cheese filled sandwich, which is no good for someone allergic to cheese.

when I get nervous/anxious or when something is bothering me in life, I tend to NEED this pressure on the bottom of my feet right in the middle of the arch. I will actually seek out places to stand or press my feet against so that I can get this satisfying feeling. Stairs are great in these situations cause they have corners and I can stand right on the corner. of course, being barefoot would provide the most amount of satisfaction but even sneakers will do.
sometimes I get this feeling at work and I take my shoes off and turn them so the side of the shoe can press against my arch. sometimes when I have nothing to press my feet to, I use one foot under the other and keep switching so each arch gets the proper amount. im not sure why I do this or NEED to do this but I just do. but then on the plane I found myself in this emergency exit row with enough space before me to play soccer and thus nothing to press my feet against. so I thought about how to start trying to do new things. like patience and letting my feet not touch anything and just wondered what would happen. and well what I realized later was that I forgot about my feet (for a while) and was concentrated more on the mad rush I had to make in Italy to catch my next flight, literally racing across the ENTIRE airport only to find out the gate, of course, changed (again) and the crew hadn't even arrived and it would be nearly 3am before my head would hit my pillow that nite--if at all.

I want to send a special note to one of my most faithful readers who poured out her life to me in the middle of grand central station today. im so proud of you. it showed a lot of courage for you to take control of your life like that and you should really feel great. please know im here for you always and everything is going to be OK.

nite nite

Posted in: on Thursday, June 19, 2008 at at 1:44 PM 0 comments

Tucked away in the corner of the playground is my fairy. One of the big fairy kids cut off her tail. She was just playing by herself in the sandbox not bothering anyone, even using her own shovel to dig in the sand and then some asshole bully fairy came and pushed her to the ground and pushed her face in the sand. Then lifted her up, threw her in the corner and while the other bully fairy’s held her down, cut off her tail.

Now my fairy's tail is gone.

When she returned home, I saw her and immediately assessed that it would take some time for her to be back in full force. She's going to need lots of care and support. I will need to mold her mind into accepting that her tail is gone forever and hope that she see's a way to live happily without it.

I cannot say I have some immediate action plan for my fairy's recovery but I will come up with something. I think its probably best to let the shock of her loss first sink in, then let the sadness slip away and when she is ready, find a way to make her smile again.

Thankfully we both like to skate and go the park and iced coffee.

Posted in: on Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at at 10:33 AM 0 comments

I suppose that the fact that I read the entire Herald Tribune today is nothing to cry about. I didn't read EVERY article. Just the ones that took my mind off my life.

I guess on some level it was kinda funny this morning when I woke up and my three visitors who are all adults, two of them sick as can be, one coughing all nite and likely keeping the other two from sleeping, were all back in my bedroom. They had left me to sleep in the living room all alone. I guess they felt bad for taking over my house and they really had. I didnt even know them.

But then i missed the first train, then it was delayed en route, then 15 million french people all had to get up and down one single staircase thus making me miss the 2nd and most important train to the airport. then i missed, inevitably, the plane to vienna with the ultimate goal of reaching budapest. i had to make the call to my boss to relay this news and my incompetance as an employee. then came the upset and frustration. so after much rerouting and rescheduling I picked up the herald tribune on the way to italy and by the time I reached budapest, I was finished with it.

a coworker said i was in a mess of bad luck. and he was so right. i couldnt even take a cab to the airport originally because no cabs would go to the 14th arrodissment today due to the protesting/strike which I didnt even see when I left. that same coworker would look at me after my long sob story and say "welcome to france".

ok welcome to france. i get it.

brightness:
the room here has a massive bathtub
my friend kenny wrote me the nicest email today
one of the italian flight attendants looked like my dad as a teenager

Posted in: on Monday, June 16, 2008 at at 11:40 AM 0 comments

and then the storm came
this was like no other storm ive seen
the water level was high
i saw this barracuda swim by and glance at me
i could see in his heavy eyes
that he had built a shield around him
which protected him from the storm
he was unaffected by its giant waves
its tidal toxicity
he swam away from me as quickly as he swam towards me
i pressed on in hopes of sunlight and calm

Posted in: on Sunday, June 15, 2008 at at 12:49 PM 0 comments

The dog wasnt there today. I thought he was a stuffed dog at first. I have seen him all week in the window of this bodega we pass on the bus to work. First he stood like that zenith dog from the old record ad's. The next day he was laying down. I thought it was a different stuffed dog. Honestly this dog can hold a pose better than real stuffed dogs. I've never seen the dog move.

I suppose its the time of my big move overseas that my lonliness has set in. I'm literally SOAKED in lonliness. I miss everyone. The family, the friends, the connections. I miss all your craziness. I miss the late nite voicemails you left me and I left you. My boyfriend said I never asked him for alone time in the 4 months we've been together. It was the worst thing to hear. I didnt want to be told how dependent I had become. Especially when I was complaining to him that I was losing my indepedence by needing him this week cause my apartment is full of people I let stay there who I hardly know and I Have no where else to go. I tried to remember times when I needed alone time and it seems he always beat me to it first by staying home instead of staying over. I probably should have asked for time.

I guess relatively speaking, the fact that I moved to another country completely alone is dripping with independencies but I still didnt want to hear him say that.

I dont know how I feel about moving here.
I signed up for a conversation meet up to practice my french on a saturday.
maybe this will help.

Posted in: on Friday, June 13, 2008 at at 12:32 AM 0 comments